I just found a bracelet you bought me when we were in Miami on a skating trip with Govi. I can remember exactly how it went down; there was a guy selling stuff on the side of the beach from his stand and you bought a bracelet for you, Amanda and Kayla. I didn’t have any cash left and you looked at me and said,
"Hey man, do you want me to get you one?"
"I mean you don’t have to…"
"Bro c’mon, it’s no big deal! Here take the salamander one, I got you."
"Hell yeah man, for sure. You gots to wearz it foreva thooo."
"You da best, Jay."
I remember laughing because of how you said it, we would always talk in stupid exaggerated voices to each other.
This is the worst thing I’ve ever been through in my life, the pain is like an addiction - one minute I’m fine and then I can’t breath because I don’t have the thing I want in my life.
I’m being strong. For you. For me. For everyone.
I just really miss you, man. We had so many awesome days together and I am forever grateful to whatever, god, deity, or other omnipotent being there is that gave me a friend like you. Thanks for giving me the little brother that I never had. I’m really sad, yes, but grateful nonetheless.
I miss you so much.
I’ve kissed way too many girls that haven’t mattered, trying to find a place where my ego will be satisfied and I always seem to end up back here. No matter how many people one encounters in that manner, at the end of the day you still feel empty.
Growing up, during my adolescence I thought the standard of boys my age, that hooking up with as many girls as possible was what made you a man. Now I’m on the other end of this spectrum.
I don’t want to kiss anyone for a very long time, not unless it matters.
I just want to feel something good again.
I want things to be good again.
Grief is a strange thing. It will leave you alone when you are with your friends, it will leave you alone when someone gets you to laugh. But then you’re in the grocery store and it comes back to you. You’re in the shower, laying in bed, reading a book and it comes back to you. This dull aching sensation that never really left you alone. Words have become empty vessels without emotion to carry in them.The world is a cloudy sky, the stars have dimmed, and with your laugh has gone the light.